Late-night ramblings...

It's 4am and I have been up since 12:45. Lets just say sometimes the stagnant heat of the night in India can get to a girl every now and again! Praise the Lord for the power turing back on! So here I sit in the extra room, with a pounding headache, sweat dripping down my back and finshing off the last of the chocolate protein bars we brought (Note to all: if you going to send a care package, send now, we did not ration for the summer and are all out of snacks :], so what, we eat alot!) the power is finally back on, the fan is blowing and I don't feel my lungs collapsing in on eachother any more! Dramatic? Maybe, but hey don't judge till you try sleeping locked in a room, full of heat, humidity and certian farting roomate:] but serisouly!
I decide to put on some Adele to put me to sleep. Now Adele is definetly not my go to album, it's good but I never actually listened to the whole things till tonight, and now I think it's great! A certian song came on and I played it on repeate just thinking. These lyrics played over and over in my head...

"So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away" "So'Ill spend my whole life hiding my heart away, I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away"

It was just so strange to me how much I felt I could relate to the words. May or may not be that it is 4am, I may have overdosed on chocolate protein bars and I may or may not be sleep deprived, but hey bare with me.

Before I came to India, I decided within my heart and with God that I wanted to open my heart. I have began to realize that my whole life, my heart has been very closed, to many things and many people. Opening and softening a heart is a big task, to big for a girl like me, so I left it up to God. And my oh my did He begin to work immediatly.

I can't really put into words, what He has done, and what He is doing, but I can assure you He is most defineatly opening and softening my heart like never before. And not just towards the people in India, but in more areas of my life than I ever even imagined.

So this song just reminded me of where I have been and where I am going. I used to think self preservation was best, you couldn't get hurt. I would just hide my heart away and live my life. But being here and as my heart slowly begins to open I realize I don't want to spend my life hiding my heart away, I can't spend my life hiding my heart away. I would miss out on so much joy, so much love. so much happiness.

I remeber a few months ago. someone at work once asked me if I had ever been in love before, I told him no and that it didn't really bother me though. He was said he felt sad for me, becuase I was missing a whole part of life and joy and a love that you just can't even imagine until you expierence it yourself. This got me thinking, and I think is what began me wanting to soften my heart.

I hear so much of the greatness of love, not just romantic love but even brotherly love, and yes I am happy and filled with joy, but I don't want to miss out on something so great because I have not opened my heart. There are numerous situations in my past that I know I missed out on great things becuase my heart was not opened. It's okay though. You live and learn.

So far, so good, but I know with an open heart extreme vulnerability is sure to ensure. But thats okay, I am learning that I am much more resilliant than I think. So strange to think that after 24 years my heart is finally opening and that I am finding numerous new areas of my heart that I never thought I, Kelsey, had!

"I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away"

Now for some sleep?? I vow not to take any more sleeping pills!