I am a nurse. A nurse is the epitome of care and compassion. Nurses are often described as loving and gentle. I know I am a nurse. I know God called me to be a nurse, no question there. Yet I lack compassion and don't even claim to believe in love.
I know. I know. It all sounds crazy and doesn't add up. Right. I know, I have been puzzled by these same thoughts for many years.
- Why won't I accept any help or care from others, yet I want to help and serve others?
- Why won't I let anyone into any area or aspect of my life, yet I expect others to break down their walls for me so I can truly know them?
- How can I show so little emotion, yet inside have so many that I just don't know how to express?
- Why I am still so selfish, yet I find most joy and pure contentment when giving to others?
- Why do I trust no one, yet give everyone the benefit of the doubt?
- Why do I not even believe in love, yet all I want to do is love and serve someone?
- How can I deny love exists, yet claim to know an all gracious and loving God?
- How can I have so many walls, when I claim to live in freedom?
Contradictory? Yes! Romans 15:7 comes to mind, 'I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate.'
That's just it. My heart is hardened.
Just at the mere thought of those simple words my head is flooded with examples from my everyday life and relationships where clearly my heart is hardened. It is who I am, I can not deny that. Yet I will never settle for who I am and will always strive for who I want to become.
Recently I realize that these unnecessary high, deep thick walls of mine are getting me no where. It's not that I am unhappy by any means, I am just realizing that I am missing out on so much by guarding and preserving myself. I am a strong willed, independent, determined girl and too much of anything is toxic. Vulnerability is a scary thing, yes completely. But even the small amounts of soul baring vulnerability I expressed in my life, is terrifying yet one of the most freeing things.
That's the funny thing about walls. We get so entrapped in so delicately building our walls so tight and thick, that we forget to leave cracks for love, compassion and care to penetrate in.
I don't feel my heart is hardened towards God. I have faith in His perfect plan that (well I can't say NEVER) but generally do not question God and what He has brought me in and through. I know none of it will be in vain. But I always wondered if deep down I am angry and filled with angst and bitterness? I have looked back into my past many times and tried to assemble the pieces, but I realize it is not in looking back but forward that comes healing and restoration.
My question isn't who, what, when, and how did this happen. I know that from the moment I was born to this very moment in time that every single person I have let in or out of my life, that I have allowed them to have the effect on my life they did. No person can harden or soften my heart with out me allowing it. Sure bad things are going to happen, we will be wronged and life happens but it is all a learning experience in how we perceive the situation. I have to make that conscious choice to not allow my heart to be hardened to people or situations in my past, present or future.
So, all in all, it doesn't matter who, how when and why. We can trace anything back to one person, one circumstance but the sum of how we have allowed life to affect us. The past is the past, and it is what it is. The question now is. where do I go from here?
How do I even begin to soften my heart? What a better place and time to begin to soften my heart and begin to see love in an unjust and cruel world that rural India? What a blessing to be able to learn to love and be loved for the first time in such a place. God has big plans, I feel it, I know it.
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